Self acceptance - by Kay

Earlier in life, I was miserable with myself and always felt less than adequate and extremely self-conscious of my body.  I grew up with diabetic, weight-conscious parents whose beliefs conditioned me to ‘diet-worry’ since the age of three when my weight started increasing.  Don’t get me wrong, my parents did what they thought was right at the time and I respect that (now they rest in peace).  But, this conditioning was partially the reason for my destructive behavior.  Those negative patterns lasted into my early forties and left me standing with no feelings of accomplishment, self worth or happiness.  In 1996, I endured a complete hysterectomy and was prescribed oral hormone replacements and then in 1998 I developed a thyroid condition requiring medication to control it.  The combination of these two factors along with the additional medications caused even more weight gain. 
 

This first photo was taken in January 1999 the night before my surgery, wearing a size 26.   I told everyone that I was having this surgery for myself, but truth be known, I was also looking for approval from my family & friends. Most of all, I wanted my daughter and my mom to be proud; not ashamed.  Now, I realize I was placing those outlandish thoughts in my own mind… my daughter and mother have always been proud of me – but I was blinded by negative body obsession. 
The weight loss procedure was a BPD (Biliopancreatic diversion) and has sometimes been referred to as the ‘eater’s dream’.  After awhile and by design, I was able to eat a full size meal.  My digestive system only absorbs 40% of everything I eat (except sugar which is typically absorbed 100% in the mouth).  However, this includes nutrients… so I now suffer from malnutrition and absorption issues causing other health-related concerns even though I take a double dose of several daily supplements and exercise regularly.   For me, the domino effect of these conditions includes kidney stones, osteoporosis, fibromyalgia, major dental issues, and other extensive conditions. 
This medical procedure has improved over the years but since I had it over 10 years ago, I haven’t kept up on the topic because it is no longer as important to me and it will not control my every move or thought.  My body has stabilized finally ten years later and is maintaining itself for now.  That’s what counts, so I’ve moved on.  It is my past – not my future.  
 

This second photo was taken just a bit more than a year after the surgery in April 2000.  It appears that I’m feeling better.  I was on my way to wearing a size 10.  I thought I had life all figured out and that losing 120 pounds was the answer to all my problems.  This couldn’t have been further from the truth…. more health concerns crept into the picture and I had to go through two more surgeries that were related to digestive issues.  I spent more time in medical facilities than ever over the next five years.  The toll on my mind & body was overwhelming.   
Of course, at the time it was interesting to see everyone’s reaction to the ‘new me’ yet I tried to tell them… It’s still just me.  They marveled at the physical changes and they talked about how much better I must have been feeling to get all that weight off of my 5’3” frame.  I nodded my head as if I agreed since that was what I was supposed to feel, but my heart & mind knew better.  I started noticing all the loose skin that was hanging from my arms, my tummy and my thighs – not to mention my breasts were having a race to the floor.  Additionally, I’d missed so much time from work due to illness that I was feeling like a burden to everyone around me.  The question loomed in my mind, “This is what I get for trying to lose weight?”.  
  

This photo was taken recently in October 2009 and I’m feeling the best I’ve felt my entire life.  Over the past ten years, I’ve been on more medications than I care to think about including many anti-depressants.  Now, I only take three life-sustaining medications and not a single one of them is an anti-depressant.  Hindsight tells me that they are over-rated.  In my opinion, they only masked the underlying causes of my depression rather than solving it.  In my case, they caused even more emphasis on my depression every time I took them.  Swallowing those pills reinforced the thought in my mind that I was depressed.  Depression is the message I was sending out to the entire universe and so I received more of the same.  Do I regret having the surgery?  No.  Again, it was something I had to experience in my life to get to this point. 
This year has been one of self-discovery and realization.  What an eye opening journey I’ve experienced this year with self acceptance.  The timing is uncanny as I compare my life now to what it was then.  Why?  Well, a couple of years ago, I thought my life was over.  My severe depression led to a suicidal state (and mark my words… the warning labels stating anti-depressants can cause thoughts of suicide are true).  My relationships with family and friends were crumbling because I had withdrawn from everyone.  I became socially invisible by choice – then, I decided to do something about my current state.  I started reading and researching which led to making discoveries about my mind, my heart and my body that helped me realize that it was all up to me to feel the way I wanted to feel – happy and content.
Finally, in my mid-forties I discovered how to forgive myself for the negative feelings I created, how to forgive others for their judgment and how to accept myself and my body with love and appreciation.  I have learned that losing weight with weight loss surgery (or any other method) is not the answer to being happy.  The answer is in realizing one’s own self worth, acknowledging accomplishments, and realizing one’s own unique beauty and ability to control the future.  The most important discovery I made is this:  My life will always be a product of my thoughts and my choices.  No one else can make those decisions for me.
Most of the time, I still see myself as never having lost those 120 pounds.  It’s amazing how the human mind perceives images and concepts.  I’m truly a plus size woman with every ounce of my being.  My clothing size doesn’t matter to me or to anyone else, but just for reference in this story I’m now a size 14.  I don’t own a set of bathroom scales – there is no emphasis on weight in my life.  If circumstances would cause me to be larger, I’m ok with that because I know my state of mind is healthy, which leads to a healthier body.  This change in thought is the reason for my health improvements – bottom line.  It’s all a state of mind anyway and I’m happy to say that I’ve landed in the comfort zone.  
If my story can touch the life of even one woman who is unhappy with herself because she feels that her weight is holding her back, then my goal of exposing this much of my personal life has been achieved.  If I have reached out to women who take anti-depressants each day wanting relief from depression, I hope you can realize that the answers are not in that little pill.  A year ago, I would have never imagined sharing my weight loss journey in this light and now I find it to be liberating and exhilarating.  Please understand that when you change your thought process to work for you, instead of against you, the other changes such as healthier eating solutions or approaches to fitness will most definitely come to you.  Gratitude in every part of your life is necessary so count your blessings today and start realizing what you have and what you are – rather than thinking ‘should have, could have or would have’.  You can create the kind of mind, body and health you need and want by changing your thought process.. right now.

To learn more about Kay and her incredible life, visit her website
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